so it's been a long time since i've written on here, and no one reads these things anymore muchless writes them, but i'm feeling pretty shitty so i would like to write something down.

first of all, its hotter than hell outside to be the beginning of march. i hate texas weather. i cannot wait to move somewhere cooler. secondly, i can't make good grades to save my life lately. i'm not sure what i'm doing differently but it sucks. thirdly, i hate selfish ppl. i go out of my way to accommodate people and make them happy and i get nothing in return. fourthly, i feel like shit. my stomach aches after i eat and i'm nauseated all day and NO, i'm not pregnant. fifthly, i miss having good friends around me. i miss being close with people. i miss being right about my expectations of people.

i have more to complain about, but i'm getting tired of it. sure u are too.

life's weird.

i don't know how i got here.

i don't know how everything sped by.

feels like yesterday, i graduated from college. that was almost 3 years ago. it's been almost three years since derek died.

i don't know why i sit here and listen to sad songs and reminisce about things late at night.

derek. daniel. college. friends. family. childhood. weird.

i don't know. i'm thankful for so many things in my life even the painful instances. i never wish that anyone experience some of the things i've experienced, but i know they've made me who i am. i rarely think of some of the awful things from my childhood. i've blocked it from my mind. i've explained it away. i've put it in a fault. everyone has a way of dealing with traumatic things. i guess that's mine.

i'm not sure how i got to that thought, but it is what it is.

i miss those two months before graduation. some of the best times in my life.

thank you lord for what you've blessed me with. the people. the experiences. the strength to accept things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

aaron watson doesn't it every time.

night y'all.

I just dont' understand the whole wallet thing. It just doesn't make sense. I don't think I dropped it. I remember going to and from the car. It was a short walk. I never heard/felt anything fall. Why would someone rifle through my cards and not take them? Why would someone return my wallet? It just doesn't make sense.

I don't know.

I won't ever know.

I wish that wasn't the case.


I'm just tired of this summer. I know people are all "be optimistic" blah blah blah, but seriously, what's the point? Stuff keeps happening. I might as well prepare myself for the worst. I mean seriously... who gets their car broken into and their wallet stolen in the same summer, occurring in 2 distinct events. It's not fair.

I'm not sure what karmic justice this is. I mean, I think I've been a really good person this year. I've been generous with my money to those who needed help (and apparently with those who want to steal my wallet and 350 dollars). I've listened to people when they've needed an ear. I've seen my family on multiple occasions. I haven't drank a lot. I haven't smoked. I haven't made a habit of talking too much about people (though Erin and I do gossip some, but we're usually by ourselves). I haven't lied.

I just don't know.

I know I should be thankful that it was only 350 dollars, but I'm poor. That's a lot of money. That was going to be used for bills. I needed that money. :(

Ugh. :( 

Whatever.

I just pray this summer/school year improves. I'm soooooo tired of being crapped on. I really need something positive to come along. Please. Please. Please.

I need some guidance. I need some advice or a few hints of what to do next and how to bring good into my life. I'm really just at my wit's end.

So this is my summer in a nutshell:

-relationship problems
-self doubts
-car gets broken into and cd player and satellite radio stolen
-alaskan trip gets cancelled
-4 week illness including flu, 102 fever, and secondary bronchitis.
-get a dentist bill for 400 dollars because the insurance company/dentist office fucked up
-wallet gets stolen and ran over. 350 dollars and checkbook taken out.

ummmm, effin phenomenal. thanks. i'm really baffled at what i did to deserve any of this crap. this sucks.

the few good things:

-trip to cabo
-been doing okay with money...granted after losing 350 dollars and having to pay a 400 dollar dentist bill... maybe not so much.
-good grades

so let's hope crap gets better. please. please. please

It was absolutely amazing to get away from the world for a few days. Lindsey, Erin, and I had a fantastic time. I cannot wait for another vacation. :) I don't feel like typing much, but here's some pictures for your enjoyment. I've been too lazy today to post them (and more) on fb.



Gorgeous sunsets.....



Gorgeous girls..........



Drunk and sunburnt.........



Senor Frogs.... we had to be touristy



BEAUTIFUL.



Don't worry they're not real....... I still say my feet are the prettiest, Lindsey.......... ;)



The sun sets on an amazing vacation........

I have so much going on in my head, but I can't put pen to paper.

I am beside myself.

Saturday would have been Derek's 25th birthday.

I miss you, bud.

Guess a jager bomb is in order come the 17th!

Hope everything's great. I could use a little guidance. Help a playa out? :)

yayeah.

<3 <3

-d.

i'm a dweller.

this is bad.

eeep!

help me?

i'm fine.

i'm happy.

until it comes down to the nitty gritty and the diving in head-first.

THEN I CHOKE.

:(

-d.

So I had an amazing weekend... for the first time in a long time. It left me feeling almost manic. Euphoric... to the point where I wonder if it's problematic. Isn't that sad. I haven't felt this good in such a long time that it feels almost wrong. Umm yeah, I'm messed up. Don't rub it in ;)

I spent the weekend with my friends in Huntsville. I just made dinner (and it was amazing... I really miss cooking). I had champagne. I saw a movie. I went shopping. I went swimming. I laid in the sun. I stayed up talking with the girls. It was just everything summer should be. Smiling. Happiness.

I hadn't had that all summer. I am so thankful for this weekend.

Plus, I found out something a little interesting. Though, I already had my suspicions, but it's good to be right. hahaha. Plus, it's flattering.

I like how I still write in this journal like I'm some sort of teenager... geez. haha. Oh well. I've always written things down. Why stop now?

P.S. I hate working. It sucks. I'd rather be out doing something than stuck at home, typing on a computer. Cest le vie. It's money.

So I know I don't do much but bitch about my life and optometry school, which I guess makes sense since most of my life is optometry school... BUT I just have to say one more thing about it... Well, maybe two.

1) Clinic is over for this summer! I've never been so happy to be done with something in my entire life. I can finally have a little free time. I can finally have a little less stress. I can finally work at Floore's and make a little extra money. I can finally go to Alaska. I can finally spend a night of leisure. I can finally work full-time. I can finally hang out with my loved ones.

2) Not only is clinic over, but I did excellent. In fact, I earned not one but TWO letters of excellence... which, aren't easy to come by, especially with the attendings I had. At any rate, I didn't share the news with everyone (and I'm sure relatively no one reads this journal so to me, it's still me being somewhat modest and private... although, I know this is a public journal... and I'm rambling). Anyway, it made my week last week. It made my summer really... and I don't care how sad that is. haha. It feels really good to know that I'm on the right track to becoming an awesome eye doctor.

Moving on from that, my friend Jen and I are thinking of going to Germany or some other fantastic place in November. Yes, I'm excited. You should be too :) We'll see what happens. I'm stoked though. I'm dying to go back to Europe. Really, I'm dying to go anywhere. I cannot wait for my trip to Alaska. AHHHH!!

Well, I suppose that is enough of this teenage rambling. I hope all of you are having a pleasant summer. Lord knows, mine's looking up!

It's about time!!!

-d.

P.S. I love using "p.s." too much.... AND I love Texas Country Music... well some of it. :)